Starting A New Verse Of Life

Valentines Day with Nisa!

2012-02-14T23:06:00.000+08:00

Exams are coming! omg, im so exhausted right now. been studying day and night..
well, headed to sp today to study cause i just cant do that at home. so many distractions..
while studying, nisa told me she need some sweets so that she could concentrate better. followed her to the shop at lvl 1 of lib. when we were heading back to the lift, i saw this couple watching movie tgt. and told nisa how sweet it was to do that on valentines. i was so busy talking about it and suddenly right after we reached the lift lobby, nisa asked me, "you didnt see him?"
I was like, "see who?"
She replied "akmal?!"
i laughed. "No! where?"
"It was obvious farah. He was standing. He looked and turned away. You sure you didnt see? I thought you saw and just ignore and continue talking to me"
"Ya Allah, sumpah i didn't see! I was so engrossed talking about the couple"
And we both laughed in the lift.
How the hell can i not see him? Hahaha! Seriously. But hey, at least say hi man! What's there to be shy about? Im just your ex. Hahaha. And we're so happy with our lives now. I thought we're friends?

and addition to that, abg emo was so damn irritating! even kak nadiah said so! and luckily abg sapau didnt disturb us today. and, that person who's wearing a smart black top, is so good-looking!

The day I almost got the iron on my face...

2012-02-08T20:52:00.000+08:00

i wont speak anymore. everytime i start to speak, ppl mistaken me for answering back or for being rude. but if others speak up, it's OK. I realise everytime after my birthday, i will get all this shit. I guess i am a useless person. ppl whom i love will go away from me. this is ridiculous. why am i doing this to myself? why am i acting strong when actually, day by day, im getting weaker and weaker. perhaps ppl like to see me suffer so much. i've never gotten any real attention from anyone. for now, i just need someone to be there for me. just someone to give me a hug while im crying to sleep. just someone who's on my side. just someone to say im not in the wrong. just someone who understands.

doomed for life.

2011-12-28T18:01:00.001+08:00

Another sleepless night..

2011-09-11T01:34:00.001+08:00

I was finding the right position to sleep..
and i asked myself why on earth am i feeling this way?
why do i feel so worried?
finally i realised im getting more insecured..over what, im not too sure myself..

Perhaps im too scared things wont be the same anymore as how it was supposed to be. Fear to see any change. Fear being alone..

I feel damn terrible. I feel jealous. I feel like i'm challenged. I feel like a sore loser.

but the worst of all, i sense something weird. As if life will be very short for me. Is it true when you think about death all the time, you will die sooner?

when you're bored, anything can happen...

i'm still angry with myself for no reason why
#suicidalfeeling

2011-08-08T04:25:00.002+08:00

When an #Aquarius gives you a silent treatment, it means that they have been hurt so badly.

2011-08-07T23:18:00.002+08:00

Silence is a girls loudest cry.

simply no mood..

2011-08-07T23:11:00.000+08:00

i didnt talk much today. i think i spoke less than 50 words today. whole day spent in my room. either doing project, sleep, study, eat...everything in my room..only 10am to shower, 7.30pm to shower again and 10pm to watch tv and now back in my room feeling cranky. i wanna cry.

i'm super lonely. i'm super down. i'm super demoralised. i'm not smart. i'm having headache still.
i can't absorb anything for macroecons test tmr. alot of things going on in my mind. i feel like i lost myself in the ocean. i wanna kill myself but no, i still have faith in god.

fated to be unappreciated. no life. boring person. i still think i'm hated.

Kasihanilah diri ini...

2011-08-06T20:49:00.001+08:00

Agaknya kalau farah dah mati baru smue rasa kehilangan farah. Im feeling feverish since i woke up. Added with stomach cramps that were merciless. 6.50 tadi ibu suruh aqasyah pergi hantar bubur kacang to jiran. Aqasyah mati2 tak nk. Dah tu, ibu suruh aku. I replied I'm not feeling well and then she raised her voice to me. Knp bila aqasyah tk nk ibu tak tengking dia? Knp ibu tengking farah? Farah sekurang-kurangnya tolong ibu sikit2 kat dapur. Tolong amik baju and cuci pinggan mangkuk ibu pakai utk masak. Tolong buat ice. Padahal badan tgh tk sihat. Sehari suntuk jugak tk buat project semata-mata nk tolong kakak kemas barang dia. After that abg pon naik angin paksa me go with a stern voice. I straight away get up and once i reached my room, i cant tahan, i shouted "Bodoh!"...in the first place, aku tak ckp kau bodoh pon. aku cakap to the whole situation where no one freaking cares abt me.
Lepas jek jerit, abg masuk bilik. Get close to me and besar2kan mata mcm kene rasuk syaitan iblis bila maghrib2 bulan puasa. He asked. "Kau ckp sape bodoh?" byk2 kali. Aku ckp its not him, aku gi ckp aqasyah. nk explain panjang2 tak kuasa. thn ape lagi, satu lempangan ah kene. abeh kene tengking lagi. abeh kene piat telinga smpi nk putus, campak aku kat lantai mcm aku ni sampah! sepak terajang aku lagi. Tendang aku mcm bola. Terus ibu masuk. stop kan abg tu stop ah. tapi join skali tendang aku. Kalau aqasyah melawan ckp ibu, ibu tk pernah tendang dia mcm mana ibu treat farah. Tts why i said, i nvr like having siblings or maybe its just my family. they're very inconsiderate ppl. Smpi sekarang farah diam jek pasal duit. Tak meminta-minta pon. Padahal nk top-up prepaid dah lama dah. Nk beli barang keperluan perempuan pon tk mampu. Lepas kene sepak kat pipi smue, abg tarik aku bangun suruh hantar makanan. Aku ckp aku nk tukar sluar dulu. Abeh suruh aku cepat2. kau fikir aku anjing suruhan kau yg tk de hati dan perasaan ke ape?
Lepas dah tukar sluar, aku gi hantar. Terpaksa aku tunggu luar umah 5 minit dulu sebelum gi umah jiran. Sebab nk keringkan air mata. Dah hantar, jiran balas balik. Bawak balik umah, letak atas dining table, terus abg kluar, langgar aku kat kerusi dining table. nk cari pasal ngan aku per bro? nk lebamkan lagi mata aku ni? sorry ah eh, aku dah hilang hormat kat kau. nama jek puasa. tapi tk solat. ape gunanya? yang pelik ibu tk pernah marah abg tk solat plak tu. yelah, anak kesayangan katakan. yang aku ni anak perempuan tak guna. tak leh harap. Kau piat telinga aku smpi naik pening kepala ni. Smpi sekarang terasa.

Smue org memang dah benci kat aku. Bencikan perangai sial aku ni. Take me for granted.

Nobody nids me anymore. but I need you now, akmal.

What a long friday i had..

2011-08-06T00:20:00.000+08:00

I just reached home 1130+ just now. Everyone's asleep except abg's nt home yet. Dunno where he is. I'm quite tired actually. TGIF! i could rest and do work tmr the whole day. whn i got home just now i immediately grabbed my towel and showered. My eyes widened before i started showering. Bulan dah sampai. Baru plan nak solat isyak and qada' maghrib ke isyak. Allah pon paham farah tak larat :P seems like i wont be able to fast tmr. Good that it came now. i can sambut the last 10 days of ramadhan. however, im now like suffering from stomach cramps. had them this morning. knew it wud come anytime soon.
I can't be bothered to share what i had the whole day cause i lazy write. Just telling you the gist of it. POA test, completing Econs project, NP NDP celebration, do interior design project and then HI! club closing ceremony. Slept in the bus ride home :P

Berikanlah aku kesihatan..

2011-08-04T22:57:00.001+08:00

My cough is getting worse. Ya Allah, i don't wish to get sick and feeling weak. I've got so much to do and it isn't the right time to fall ill.

Tadi again, rasa nak pitam bila last rakaat. Aiyo..am i too tired? lack of oxygen? I didnt have school today and had rest the whole time but why am i still feeling unwell?

Ya Allah, give me the strength to persevere.

Dugaan hidup...

2011-08-04T11:41:00.001+08:00

Ya allah, sakitnya tekak ni...
yesterday i got home from sch ard 10+. I didnt had the chance to buka at home. Since yesterday i felt something stuck in my throat. Ignored it the whole day thinking by the time i break fast, it will be ok. Turn out to be the same after i break my fast. I had Hi! Club Closing Ceremony rehearsal. That's the reason why i got home at night. after solat, i straight away do my work. been very very busy. and im feeling unwell. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kesihatan supaya aku dapat teruskan bulan ramadhan dengan sempurna.
Then, abg got home from solat terawih ard 11+. He asked me why i got home late. alright, i noe this good month i shudnt bad mouth anyone especially someone of my family. but right now, i had no one to turn to. this blog is where i throw everything in. Having so much pain in my throat, i cudnt talk much cause it hurts so much. there's this uneasy feeling everytime i talk. i told him i've got sch. he asked again, "what do you have in school till you got home so late?" is 10+ late? it is for a girl i guess, but im not hanging out with friends or something. I'm in school whole day long, stucked on laptop doing work. Break fast time is really the time i sat down relaxing but that's like only 5+ minutes? So i told him i've got CCA. You wanna know what's next? "What's your CCA?" I'm like omg. I don't wanna talk to him that time. but i just replied "Hi Club" Actually, he asked this before but maybe he saw me being rude to him and actually asked "what's hi club"
If you readers read this, you know how i felt. It's that URGHHH feeling. and so i replied "Hearing Impaired Club" afterwards, he asked what do you do during Hi Club. I was abit angry and replied, "Don't ask too much". He got angry too but i don't seem to care cause the conversation stopped there.

Now, i'm home with my brother. Omg, what a bad day. This morning i had no appetite to eat cause of the condition of my throat and ended up wasting food. Basically I've no mood for anything. I feel something lost. Perhaps, I'm missing him. The guy i love. It's undeniable how great is my love for him. Hope he's doing fine. Farah sentiasa doakan akmal.

Ku harapkan Ramadhan kali ini penuh makna...

2011-07-29T22:47:00.001+08:00

Alhamdulillah, umurku dipanjangkan untuk menyambut bulan Ramadhan, bulan yang mulia.

Aku panjatkan syukur kepadaNya kerana memberi aku peluang buat sekali lagi.

Tidak sabar agaknya untuk aku mengerjakan sunat terawih. Akanku cuba untuk mengerjakannya setiap malam seperti dulu-kala.

Apabila aku membaca kitab Al-QuranMu, aku membaca Ayat Kursi. Satu perasaan yang tidak dapat dijelaskan tiba-tiba menusuk ke kalbu ku.

Adakah ia satu petanda?

Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa hambaMu ini.

Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Pengampun.

This song speaks for me now...

2011-06-24T23:49:00.000+08:00

Fauziah Latiff - Kau Merubah Segalanya

Kau yang merubah segalanya
Kau sebenar yang mencuri hati
Aku yang masih meratapi kehancuran
Cinta lalu yang tak kesampaian

Apakah yang terburu-buru
Cuba melupakan peristiwa lalu
Atau mungkinkah ku terpesona pada
Kejujuran yang engkau berikan

Tercipta suatu ikatan
Yang kita bina
Dari kehancuran masa silam
Oh tuhan kau restukanlah
Cinta indah bagai pelangi
Kekal abadi

Masih jauh sayang
Perjalanan kita
Pasti ada yang beronak duri
Namun tiada yang merubah rasa
Kerna ku tahu kau saja di hati

sekali lagi, aku tidak keruan..

2011-06-23T02:55:00.000+08:00

sekali lagi, kau mengucapkan selamat tinggal di akhir perbualan kita..
sekali lagi, kau menunjukkan kau telah berputus asa..
sekali lagi, kau tidak lafazkan cinta kepadaku..
sekali lagi, kau cuba membuatku membencimu..
sekali lagi, kau mengatakan pengorbanan yang telah aku lakukan hanya sia-sia belaka..
mana perginya perjuanganmu untuk membuat hati ini tertawan kembali dan rela melakukan apa saja untukmu?
mana perginya perihal kasih sayangmu terhadapku?
mana perginya janji-janjimu itu?

siapa aku dimatamu?
siapa aku dihatimu?
siapa aku dalam hidupmu?

mengapa hanya aku yang harus berikan penjelasan pada malam ini?
mengapa hanya aku yang harus menegakkan cinta kita?
mengapa engkau masih meragui kasih sayangku terhadapmu?

hmm...

2011-06-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

i was reading through every msg i saved. it was all from you. i did this almost every night. just to let myself to sleep. it's the same as counting the number of sheeps, i must say.

so i was attracted to one of your text, which says:

akmal dont have his lappy now..with my friend..lend him:)

but then, this morning you said : yeah, gt my lappy back. she wants to go somewhere. so she passes to me.

which is the right one??

would you explain this?

2011-06-21T13:09:00.001+08:00

On 21/6/2011,
at 12.47pm,
you said :
ok la
i go eat my lunch
byebye

What's the meaning of 'byebye'? You told me in november that we shouldnt say goodbyes to each other. It was as if saying the final goodbyes. Now, you've just contradict yourself.

It didn't mean so much to you right? Or is it that you just want to test my patience? I'll deal with it.

i gave you so much unhappiness. that's why i told you, i'm not a good girl. I'm no more the Farah you know back in 2009.

2011-06-20T22:25:00.002+08:00

What should I do now? I'm such a boring person.

It ain't what i heard

2011-06-20T18:24:00.002+08:00

It's been weeks since i last post. Im not loyal to blogs. Just not my thing. Most of the time when I have something to say, I prefer keeping it to myself, do some reflections and go on with life. But at times, I do feel stucked in there and at those times, I would come here to express.

Before I thought of blogging today, I was staring outside the window to give my eyes a break after watching Glee online for hours. Akmal immediately appear in my mind. I'm sorry i didnt text you today, except for that one 'good morning' greeting. I don't know if i have given up texting you but at the same time, I was thinking, why didnt you try to text me too? I knew all these while it's been you who's trying to keep conversation alive. It's been you who initiates everything in our relationship. However after all those small conflicts we had, i guess it has been only me. Now i dont think your busy-ness is the matter anymore. It's just that we've lose control of what we had.

What wrong did I do this time round? Why are you punishing me like this? I gave in that night, thinking i need to follow sq's advices to save our relationship. Are you trying to put me to a test looking at how far i can go being nice to you,without you having to give a damn about me? You dont say 'iloveyou' or 'imissyou' anymore.

I cant put anything more in this relationship. I'm sorry.

Akmal,
I know I'm not good enough for you. I'm not pretty enough for you. I'm not interesting enough for you. I'm not so tall. I'm skinny. I'm not as smart as you do. I don't have enough knowledge about Islam like how much you do. I hold grudges. I scold vulgars. I show tantrums and attitude. I'm negative-minded. I'm not open. I'm a liar. I don't take so much of couple photos with you. I'm too straight-forward at times. I'm holding to much of my past. I'm not ur miss perfect.

I'm not worth your time. I'm not worth your wait. I'm not worth your everything.

kaulah segalanya - hazrul nizam

2011-03-31T14:49:00.000+08:00

Kau mahu bak segala
Cinta yang ku dahaga
Kehadiran dirimu
Menyinari maka semua hatiku

Kaulah segalanya
Yang menyinari hidupku kasih
Hanya satunya
Yang kucintai

Hulur tanganmu kasih
Sambut cintaku
Jangan tinggalkan daku
Seorang diri
Tak sanggup lagi dilukai

Maafkan daku
Jika salahku
Peristiwa yang pernah ku alami dulu
Aku tahu betapa pahitnya
menerima sejarah hidupku

Kaulah segalanya
Yang menyinari hidupku kasih
Hanya satunya
Yang kucintai

Sambutlah cintaku
Jangan kau pergi dari sisiku
Cintaku padamu
Ikhlas sejati
Cintaku padamu
Ikhlas sejati

2011-02-22T23:55:00.001+08:00

2011-02-22T23:48:00.001+08:00

2011-02-22T23:35:00.001+08:00

2011-02-21T18:34:00.002+08:00

People don't care about me...seriously..
smue keje rumah aku dah buat. The only thing that im nt an expert yet is cooking. Pernah tk balik rumah, "farah dah makan?" TAK PERNAH!
ibu slalu gini...takkan nk masak for the family pon nk bising? I don't how and wat to cook...stop picking on me..
I swept the whole house. I lipat baju. I saw the laundry basket was full, immediately wash them. After that, hang them up to dry..what more you want? still perempuan tk guna hanya sebab tk masak??
nanti bila abg dah balik, complain ah....tt always happen..
thn kene sepak terajang kalau i stand up for myself...
i dun feel appreciated at all... BENCI JADI PEREMPUAN!

We own the pathway....

2010-11-24T23:29:00.004+08:00

oh my god. i feel like im floating in the air now, accompanied by the beautiful stars. i'm definitely the happiest girl on earth tonight. i didnt expect things will turn out to be so wonderful! i love today. relieved tt i've told you wat i've been keeping all these while. it's nt easy to tell, but somehow it was important for you to noe. for now, it's only you who i love. the moment you grabbed my right hand, i was....cant explain in words.... it's like i cant feel the ground anymore!

to you:
last time, i doubt about you being the right one for me. i thought i wasn't good enough for you. like wat my sis and mom said, good girls will have good boys, bad girls will have bad boys. I'm a bad one after all the things i've done to you last yr. I'm bad after all the things i've done with you-noe-who. I guess i deserve only the worst. But today, you make me feel super appreciated. God blessed me with the most understanding guy on earth. I'm lucky that you enter my life again. Love just rekindles again.

I'm back, bitch!

2010-11-20T18:33:00.003+08:00

O' LEVELS OVER!

In two days time, it's 5 months babehh! 5 months! I'm over you, small ass :D

Alright. Currently, I'm working with my sister. It's simple job but kinda boring. All you have to do is key in data into Excel. That's it. Easy, huh? I want to apply for another job but I don't there's time and I guess it's too late. Let's say I got a job next week, I don't think i could get day offs cause I'm going off for holidays for a week! I should just dump away those hopes of finding another job.

It was prom night on the 18th. Theme - Royal Masquerade. Mr A performed. Shocking. He look good! Heart melts. Gosh. Games wasn't really entertaining but it's ok coz the hosts knew how to make them interesting. I grooved the dancefloor, yeah! I danced like nobody's business. Like who cares? I'm having fun. Some faces were looking at me, perhaps didn't expect for me to be that way. But, whatever. Haha! However, the food was bad. Eeeekk, asparagus soup.

For now, I can't wait to spend time with the people i love. 3 girls and 1 guy. <3<3

Survival Training Camp 2009! I survived!

2009-06-15T18:28:00.005+08:00

Bring It On! Bluemoon.... Bluemoon... Bluemooon
I got billy billy billy i got billy oh kampong!

GOSH! STC just rocks this year! much much much muchy much better than atc last year...

Incredibly, i'm missing the whole thing of it! Area 13 had really bonded with each other. So much!

WE even had an area cheer that is to be so proud of!

AREA 13 ROCK TO THE CORE!